Monday, January 17, 2011

36 Things I Know

1. There is a connection between us all. I don't know its nature, or if there is a word for its nature. Biological. Psychic. Spiritual. I don't know. Regardless of what it should be called, it's there.

2. I will never be as pleased with a samurai comic, novel, film, video game or TV show as I was with Kazuo Koike and Goseki Kojima's Lone Wolf and Cub. Regardless, I will continue to frustrate myself buying samurai comics that, at best, will be good but just not as good. I will watch samurai movies that are funny when they shouldn't be. I will keep searching for a second Lone Wolf and Cub and will always be disappointed.

3. If I were still a student, I could write up a mean paper about the use of children in revenge stories like Lone Wolf and Cub, Road to Perdition and True Grit. I have no idea what I would write, but I'd come up with something.

4. Any casserole or lasagna recipe that tells you to not boil the pasta first is full of shit.

5. I'm more of a tight ass than I used to be.

6. There are certain things I find obnoxious and I recognize that my aversion to many of these things may have more to do with me than with the things themselves. Musical theater. Scat singing. Tap dancing. I know these things require artistry, talent and discipline. I just don't like them. For some reason they tend to piss me off.

7. I love italicizing the titles of things. It makes me feel professional.

8. I will never have children. At some point I will question this decision. I haven't yet.

9. Some years ago, a temp service sent me to stuff envelopes at an agency servicing people with disabilities. For 8 hours a day - not counting lunch and smoke breaks - I sat at a table with maybe a half-dozen other people, stuffing envelopes. Some of them were temps like me. Some had disabilities and some of their disabilities were mental.

One middle-age woman in particular talked a lot. I forget her name. Let's call her Beth. I don't know what Beth's condition was, only that she had elaborate fantasies. For those 8-minus-food-and-smokes I would listen to her talk about people and places that didn't exist.

One day, she talked about Mars. She talked about a vast colony that would be built on the surface of Mars in a few years. The colony would be named after a 7-year-old girl she knew who had epilepsy. She described the dome around the colony, the buildings and the roads. She described how water would get to the colony and how oxygen would be pumped into it. She knew how the government would be chosen and the colony's cultural centers.

Me and this other guy, let's call him Paul, we were mean. As the woman's description proved more intricate, we asked more questions. Where would kids go to school? Where would people get groceries? How would they grow food? How would the garbage be picked up? Where would it be disposed? Every time, she was ready for our questions. No matter how strange the question was, she had thought of it first and had an answer ready.

Paul and I laughed our asses off, amused at just how deep Beth's rabbit hole went. I feel bad thinking back on it. In my defense, listening to a woman talk for 8-hours-minus-food-and-smokes about imaginary people and places is tough - hell, listening to anyone talk about anything for that long is tough - and I needed to find what relief I could.

Well, eventually I had what I thought was the proverbial Doozy. The question that would stump her.

"Hey Beth. If there's going to be a dome around the colony...on Christmas...how is Santa Claus going to get in to deliver presents?"

She answered me. No pause. No hesitation. I don't remember what the answer was, only that she didn't come up with it on the spot. She didn't take a second to figure it out. She just answered. She had it. In whatever intricate creative process she had formed her plans for Mars City, the Santa Claus question had been asked, the committee had met, and the protocols were drawn up.

At the time, of course, it got me and Paul howling.

Now, years later, as a writer, I'm one envious son of a bitch.

10. Fame is not an accident. Artists and performers do not find it "whether they like it or not." They don't trip over it in the woods. Fame has to be pursued, regardless of the legends the famous spin afterward.

11. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pity them.

12. Most reality shows are scripted.

13. Animals have souls. They aren't people, but they have souls.

14. People who drive jeeps don't drive well.

15. My idea of what this blog should be changes every day. At first I was determined to make sure it wasn't purely a comics blog, then I did everything I could to make sure it was purely a comics blog, rinse, repeat. Sometimes I wonder if I should jettison comics from the discussion altogether. Of course, the name would arguably be a little stupid if I stopped writing about comics.

16. If I forget to clean the litter box for more than two days, one of the cats will piss on something I own. Usually something expensive. Last time it was an itouch.

17. Most of the times I think Maryann is mad at me, she isn't. She is upset about something and my default settings dictate I assume it's all about me, in spite of the fact that I know when she is upset at me she lets me know pretty quickly.

18. There are people I see every day whose opinions of my weight govern how they react to me. This will always upset me, no matter what I say.

19. If you ever call me "Big Guy," my opinion of you will drop.

20. Coldplay is a good band and they make good music. I don't care what you fuckers say.

21. I am resisting the urge to insert a lame pop culture reference like, "In fact those were the droids they were looking for."

22. After a month or so of steady blogging, my concern and frustration over getting my hit-count up is finally fading. Sure, it would be nice if more people read the blog, but that isn't the point.

23. White people claiming they are part Native American are almost always full of shit.

24. Most superhero movies would be better animated.

25. I wonder if they're singing a different tune now that Disney owns Marvel, but my The Incredibles DVD includes special features in which - responding to observations viewers made regarding similarities to Watchmen and Fantastic Four - a number of the film's creators claim they didn't read comics as children. People who animate for a living claiming they never read comics is something like a jazz trumpet player saying "Miles...who?" The makers of The Incredibles were full of shit.

26. People will continue reading bound books for a good long while. Maybe not forever.

27. Some days I only blog because I promised I would blog every weekday for 6 months.

28. Today is one of those days.

29. If I were to die and my body weren't recovered, eventually the same cats who cuddle up to me and mew at me and treat me like Hulk's gift to kitty-cats would probably feed on me. This doesn't mean animals don't have souls. This means I'm delicious.

30. My cat Gimli is cuter than your cat.

31. I will never smoke again, and something in me mourns the loss.

32. My girlfriend still makes me smile no matter what kind of day I've had, every time I see her.

33. I have always known what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.

34. When I turn 40, I am going to go completely fucking crazy.

35. I will write a novel.

36. If Doctor Strange's last name was "Blowjob," he'd sell more comics.

5 comments:

Purplemooncat said...

I love you honey. I always will.

Mick Martin said...

I love you too baby!

And I won't tell Maryann.

Nitz the Bloody said...

I agreed with all of it up until you made the completely fradulent assertion that your cat was cuter than my cat, Allie. Pistols at dawn, sir! I demand satisfaction!

Mick Martin said...

TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVE!

Alan David Doane said...

Because it's the future, I have responded to this post on your Facebook wall.